There is a stillness within me.

Dark bodies writhing in a darkened room, senses heightened.
The slick, sensual slither of warm brown skin over skin,
I stand outside the door, hand poised to knock, frightened,
The bass drops, the door swings opens and I’m invited in.
I’d rather be anywhere but here, I say whisper to myself,
These wanton masses disgust me. I don’t approve, I don’t belong.
As I watch them grind together, hips touching, lips touching,
Mouthing along the perverse inanities that pass for a song,
I judge them.

It’s not my place, I know that well, but this is almost a reflex,
My thoughts flitter over many planes, but this is a taboo realm.
The stench of sweat, the smell of cheap wine on their breath,
This powerful bouquet of scents your senses overwhelm,
I hate this random motion around me, and yet I long to belong,
Gyrate my hips and fit in; no difference the naked eye can see.
Moving to the arrhythmic music, amidst the motion of the crowd;
I am the eye of the storm; there is a stillness within me.
I feel free.

I’d rather be anywhere but here, I think to myself again;
I feel everything that I stand for slowly slipping away,
The untrained eye sees the loss of my ideals and individuality,
It doesn’t notice that it’s at the edge of the circle that I sway.
I am, as always, just one step behind, just one step away.
I am not one of them. I will never be that effortless, that free.
It saddens me and yet somehow I’m glad I’m not a part them,
They’re mindless drones following a cosmic choreography.
I dance with them.

As long as I’m moving, the stillness within me persists,
Like a shark that drowns the moment it ceases to swim,
I keep the stillness from being swallowed up by the darkness,
I dance till my body is tired and the morning sky is dim.
This tranquillity seeps through my bones and into my tired brain,
I am relaxed now, there’s no overthinking no overanalysing.
The stillness within me has cooled and spread, I feel safe.
My brain is broken but my disease no longer paralysing;
I sleep in peace.


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